Dew Credit

And meta-obvious, self-referential 'Do' puns weak (pun intended) continues here at The Stream. I just happened across this article by Washington Wizards forward Caron Butler, which, on the eve of the 2009-2010 NBA season, seemed quite worth talking about.

And remember, Caron Butler actually wrote this. Voluntarily.

I lost 11 pounds this summer by giving up Mountain Dew. That's right Mountain Dew. A lot of people don't know I'm a Mountain Dew addict so I guess this is my confession.

Gnarles? ... Gnarles?

To try and give this up was crazy for me! I was going through withdrawals. I was in the bed sweating. My wife would turn over in the bed and ask "Are you OK?" Honestly, those first two weeks without The Dew [were] the roughest two weeks of my life.

Everyone who ever spent two weeks doing absolutely anything just let out a collective groan.

Used to be a time in this country when young men would return from war and fall victim to drug addictions to forget the horrors they had seen (this time? 1959 to Present) Now we have a multimillionaire athlete sweating profusely as he tries to get over McDonald's pulling the "McNugget Lovin'" commercial off of BET, Wait, I mean because he's trying to get off 'The Dew'(I was getting him confused with Gnarles again).

I'm talking headaches, sweats and everything. Before that I drank at least six 12-ounce Mountain Dews a day.

Say whaaaaaaaaaaaat!? My eyes just bugged out of my head 'horny-cartoon-wolf' style. Between their xbox gaming, soda addictions, love of basketball, and liberal use of the word 'fag', far too many of these NBA players seem to be 'me when I was 12' for my liking.

It was so bad at one point that I had to have a cold one right there at the night stand before I went to bed. I had to get the coasters and let it drip a lil' bit and just have it waiting on me.

Holy S, dude! Get a grip. "A cold one?" Don't flatter yourself. You wish your were an alcoholic. At least they have a support group for that. Dew-aholics Anonymous just sounds like a group of people who can't stop raping alcoholics, plus the abbreviation is too recognizably connected to the District Attorney's office to ever stand on its own.

Come 2 a.m., I'd wake up out of my sleep, I'd pop one open and hear the fizz sound ... and just down it! Then I always had to have another one in the morning when I woke up.

Wow, he's really selling us the experience here. When did he decide to lapse into prose writing?
"Here that pop, feel that fizz, press the 'on' button on my PC; the engine whirs to life. I inhale in anticipation and see the words "World of Warcraft" appear on the screen. I let out a sigh of relief. I reach down and grab a large bag of Nacho Cheesier Doritos. I pull the bag asunder, the foil surrenders with a soft 'poof' I look in the mirror. I am 12 year old Admiral" Ahem, THIS EXCERPT IS OVER!

Before practice I had one too and before games I would knock back two.

How could you even play basketball after all of this? Dude's pee must have been like molasses with how dehydrated he must have been. This means that this season's version of Caron Butler is either going to be the new MJ or is going to be absolutely awful. I don't see any other way this plays out.

Also newsworthy - there are no more McDonald's in Iceland. In a connected story, there is no reason to go to Iceland.